What Your CAVA Says About You

November 23, 2016

Ah, CU EMS, you provide a valuable service to the hot mess students here at Columbia University. In order to acknowledge CU EMS this Thanksgiving, Bwog has compiled a list of CAVA situations that you may have experienced, and what they each say about you!

The NSOP CAVA (NSOP Week, Freshman Year) – This is not the only naive mistake you’ll make this year. You’re probably wearing your hair differently than you did in high school. Take to heart Lit Hum’s lessons on hubris.

The Self-Responsible CAVA (Second Semester, Freshman Year): You’ve gotten wiser since NSOP. You feel like you’re dying of alcohol poisoning, but no matter how many times you stick your finger down your throat, you just can’t throw up. You need a medical professional. You call CAVA on yourself because, hey, you like to play it safe. You pay off the hospital bill using your own savings, and you attend all the disciplinary meetings required. You are a good kid.

The Sexy CAVA (Valentine’s Day, Junior Year): You and your significant other are spicing it up in your Schapiro single. The two of you are… um… getting creative. Suddenly, you start feeling funny down *there*, and your significant other immediately calls CAVA for you. Explaining this one to your parents is definitely going to be tough. At least you got chocolates and roses out of it!

The Exam Panic CAVA (Finals Week, Junior Year): Your TA hands you your in-class essay, and the prompt is more unexpected than Donald Trump’s presidency. You fake an asthma attack and pass out. If you think being carried away on a stretcher in front of 200 classmates is better than a C-, you must be a Columbia student.

The Overdue CAVA (May, Senior Year): You are the ultimate procrastinator, but kind of in the best way. You probably spent the first three years at Columbia getting your shit together, and then spent senior spring “atoning” for your hard work, finally making up for it by going hard. On the bright side, you probably already lined up a job for post grad!